Beer + BBQ + Pool = Your Plans This Weekend.

First off, if you’re in the Dallas area and haven’t been to The Fraternal Order of Eagles 3108 (FOE for us common folk), you’re just doing life wrong. It’s the best pool in Dallas with the chillest atmosphere and the cheapest drinks. I know you’re in love already, but I’ll keep going…

This Saturday, FOE is hosting its 4th annual Barbecue Cookoff, where more than 15 amateur pit masters are just waiting to fill your belly with the best grub known to man, and Deep Ellum Brewing Co. will be featuring beer specials on tons of dank-ass beers. Admission is only $10, and there’s absolutely no reason why your body shouldn’t be there, drunk off craft beer and full of brisket.

So, run to East Dallas, stuff your face and dunk that bod in a cold pool. America.

Live music, beer and tubing this week at Panther Island Pavilion

If you like live music, beer, tubing, beer, social media or beer, then there’s nowhere on earth better to spend your Thursday evening than Panther Island Pavilion in Fort Worth for Rockin’ the River. This week, enjoy Sam Riggs followed by Aaron Einhouse with beverages and food for sale on site.

The Five Stages of Single Awareness Day

As much as we try to deny that Valentine’s Day is even a real thing anymore, any single person will tell you that this most horrible of days is rough. No matter how hard you try to put on your good face and pretend like seeing all these happy bitches all around you isn’t seriously making you consider committing a felony, we know that on the inside you’re plotting their deaths and white-knuckling it until you can be home and pantsless, dominating a box of bargain chocolates.

The stages of Single Awareness Day are fairly easy to spot within each of us, and with the right booze to pair with them, you’ll be able to make it right on through this unholy day with ease and a serious buzz.

Single Dudes: Your Guide to Scoring on Valentine’s Day

Whether you like it or not, Valentine’s Day is coming up soon. I know that all of you super manly single dude-bros out there are dreading this day just as much as all of us single ladies, but let’s face it: you want to slice some brisket on this most horrible of days.

It’s time to break out the chocolate and condoms, because I am here to help prevent you horny bastards from getting blue balls. Just consider me your vagina Sherpa. I’m here to help you.

You have three main options when it comes to getting laid on Valentine’s Day:

1.)  Hit up that booty call. Whether your go-to is your ex-girlfriend who’s still in love with you, or some random skank you met a while ago at a bar, you know that your main hookup is available tonight. Nobody likes to be alone on Valentine’s Day, so go ahead – hit her up*.

*Note that this option may lead to a very awkward morning, and will definitely leave you in an uncomfortable position over the next few weeks while she tries to make this “relationship” happen.

2.)  Get you some strange. Bitches are so fragile around this time of year that they will go for pretty much anything you say to them. Go up to any girl at the bar and pay her a compliment (literally any compliment will do) and tell her how you’re so surprised that a girl like her is flying solo. You may not win her heart, but with that combo and a shot of tequila, you’ll win her Pikachu.

3.)  Make a move on that girl you’re obsessing over. This one is risky, so only do it if you actually like her and are ready for the pressure that comes with this day from Satan himself. WARNING: Do NOT ask her out for your first actual date on Valentine’s. Dinner is an absolute no-go – with all the lovey-dovey bullshit floating around, you’re almost certain to let her down. Your move should be way more casual – If she’s doing some kind of girls night, suggest that your groups meet up at a bar later in the night. Keep it low key, super low pressure and ridiculously high blood alcohol level.

Don’t worry bros – this most horrible day is really just another excuse to get drunk, so do what you do best: get too drunk to remember what day it is.

I wish you the best of luck in your quest.

2014 Olympics – The Drinking Game

It’s that time again – the Olympics are dominating everyone’s TVs for the next couple weeks. We know all of you are glued to your couches, rooting as hard as you possibly can for Team USA, but we’re going to need for you to really step up for your country and participate in the most patriotic of all American activities: drinking.

The Rules:

• Every time you see the Olympic rings, take a drink.
• Whenever an ice skater completely wipes out, take a shot.
• Each time you see an NBC commercial, chug a beer.
• When Russian politics are mentioned, take a shot (or three).
• Every time someone really eats it, take a drink.
• Every time a skier takes a ridiculous jump and you think they’re about to die, take a drink.
• When team USA gets a medal, chug a beer.
• Each time a figure skating announcer says “phenomenal”, take a shot.
• Whenever you wish they would just shut the hell up and show the damn competition, chug a beer.
• When a  Coca-Cola commercial comes on, take a shot.
• Every time you see someone cry, take a shot.
• When you see an ice skater takes the stage in a glittery outfit, take a drink.
• Each time a snowboarder says something super typical, take a drink.
• Every time team USA fucking NAILS IT, chug some champagne.

There, you should be nice and drunk now. Go ‘Merica – and go team booze!

Bad Decisions: Champagne Power Hour

A couple of New Year’s Eves ago, I had plans to rage with my P.I.C., Ginger & Juice. And to ensure a good time for the evening, we put more than the average amount of thought into the pregame.

Obviously a power hour would be part of the mix. If you’re not aware, power hour is a great American tradition in which you take a shot of beer every 60 seconds for an hour. By the end of the hour, you’ve had much more than you expected to, and everyone likes you better.

But because it was New Year’s, we deemed the traditional format not fancy enough, so G&J recommended we do it with champagne. The facts are that champagne gets the average American way more throwed than beer does due to its higher alcohol content, and champagne is far less filling than beer, which means you won’t feel like you just ate a buffet when all is said and done. Genius.

It’s Ladies’ Night

Once upon a time, some horny dudes wanting to get some strange came together and created a special, magical event to draw all single ladies out of their sweatpants and into the bars on a weeknight. This primal mating ritual has manifested itself into something completely awesome, and it’s called ladies’ night.

If you have a pulse and a vagina, and you’re not taking advantage of ladies’ night, there’s something wrong with you. Ladies’ night is an important part of any fun, single girl’s life for several very important reasons.

The Halloween Rage

Halloween is this week, which means that you better get your procrastinating ass in gear and plan your ridiculous costume already. On All Hallow’s Eve, there will be a buffet of hot man meat and willing whores pumped full of enough booze to drown a horse, all looking to get some strange while dressed like something absurd – so you better step your costume game up. Choosing the perfect costume is not always easy – especially if you’re planning on raging your balls off – so a little consideration and planning is essential.

Halloween is French for “dressing up in slutty costumes and making bad decisions” so I know that your first costume ideas involve a lot of skin, very little material and really showcasing what your mama gave you. Before you squeeze into your toddler-sized tube top, booty shorts and stripper heels, think about how that “sexy heroin addict” getup will be holding up at the end of the night and what a hot mess express you’re willing to look like in tomorrow morning’s ongoing parade of Facebook pics.

By the end of the night (if not by noon), you’re going to be drunk. So drunk that your liver is going to try its damndest to emancipate itself from your sweaty, dehydrated body. And you’re probably going to get that way by ingesting an absurd amount of bloat-causing liquids such as beer, wine, sugary mixed shots and a few ounces of soda (to mix with the massive amounts of liquor, of course). As you continue down your path toward absolute obliteration, the last thing you want to think about is your gut popping out, bursting a button on your hot pants and shooting across the bar into someone’s cornea. Your belly-bearing costume (or worse, your Spanx) should not prevent you from getting blackout drunk, so choose something you can still destroy your body in – and breathing normal human breaths is always a plus, too. It’s called priorities, people.

Choose wisely and I wish you the best of luck in your quest for the greatest costumed blackout hookup story this world has ever known.

For words of costume wisdom, check this out.

It’s Full-On Fall

The leaves have turned. Football is always on. A chill is in the air and there is pumpkin- and cinnamon-flavored EVERYTHING. That means it’s full-on fall.

Fall is a fucking awesome season for so many reasons: you can bust out your best coats, long sleeves and scarves, it’s FOOTBALL SEASON, everything smells better (including you) and you can walk to your car without sweating through your shirt. Because this season is so joyous, there are a lot of seasonal activities to partake in, which are obviously all made better with booze. Sweet, sweet booze.

To make your life a little easier, here’s a guide to fall activities and the best booze to accompany them:

Dry Weddings: The Art of Flasking

Recently, I had the misfortune of attending every sane person’s worst nightmare: a dry wedding. I know what you’re thinking – WHY would you do that to yourself? What kind of monsters don’t have any booze at their wedding? How long has the unhappy couple hated fun?

Before you freak out, just know that I am a smart, resourceful woman who knows how to bring the party even in these darkest of circumstances. I brought the only thing that would make this sad, dreary, uncomfortable gathering bearable – that’s right, I brought a flask full of whiskey.

The name of the flasking game is to remain inconspicuous while secretly raging amongst a sea of sober misery, and there are a few rules one must follow when secretly carrying jiggle juice to a dry wedding or any other fun-crushing event.