The Five Stages of Single Awareness Day

14 Feb

As much as we try to deny that Valentine’s Day is even a real thing anymore, any single person will tell you that this most horrible of days is rough. No matter how hard you try to put on your good face and pretend like seeing all these happy bitches all around you isn’t seriously making you consider committing a felony, we know that on the inside you’re plotting their deaths and white-knuckling it until you can be home and pantsless, dominating a box of bargain chocolates.

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The stages of Single Awareness Day are fairly easy to spot within each of us, and with the right booze to pair with them, you’ll be able to make it right on through this unholy day with ease and a serious buzz.

Stage One: Denial

Valentine’s Day is so stupid, so why even acknowledge it? It’s just a totally normal Friday out at the bar getting shmammered with your bitches as usual – so we don’t even need to talk about it. Oh yeah – those hearts and teddy bears are definitely always here. It’s just part of the bar’s theme.

Pairs well with: Vodka + soda (like 12 of them)

Stage Two: Anger

WHY is Valentine’s Day even a thing anyway? This day is SO STUPID. This is a ridiculous “holiday” created by Hallmark to sell tons of shit to people who really don’t need it. Now give me that fucking Russell Stover box. And a damn shot.

Pairs well with: Tequila shots

Stage Three: Bargaining

You know, if I had kept dating that loser dude for just a few more months, I could have had someone to make out with right now. Sure, he lived with his mother and had a serious drug problem, but come on – he was super cute. Or maybe I’ve just gotten too fat. That’s it – I’m too fat for Valentine’s Day. If I go to the gym every day between now and Christmas, I’ll have a BOMO partner next year. Pairs well with:

Whiskey. Lots of whiskey

Stage Four: Depression

This day is the worst. I can’t believe I’m alone on Valentine’s Day with NOBODY to make out with. I would probably make out with a hobo on the street right about now, since clearly I am completely unlovable. I wonder if there are any cute hobos out right now…

Pairs well with: Red wine.

Stage Five: Acceptance

Welp, at least it’s almost over. Nobody likes this day, so we’re all in this together. I’m glad that I have my good friends around me, and maybe one day I will be making out with someone and eating a fancy dinner. But for now, it’s time to hit up a CVS and grab as much bargain reject chocolate as these arms can carry.

Pairs well with: Beer. Any beer. Just chug and eat your box of loneliness.

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