Tag Archives: whiskey

Things That Make Me Drink

9 Sep

Sometimes (most times), we just need a drink, or twelve. I’ve noticed that these times of need have gotten more and more frequent as I grow older and my give-a-shit-ometer starts crapping out. Basically, I could always go for some jiggle juice. Here are just a few key moments in our lives that we need to drink about in depth.

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Work: This one is a no-brainer. Everyone in your office is a lame douchecake and they all suck bags of dicks on the daily. Oh, you work in a client-facing role? Pour an extra one out for your former happiness and self-esteem.

Twerk: If you’re going to shake your shit, you also need to shake some booze down that throat.

Dating: Again, another obvious one. Dating is the absolute worst. How am I supposed to hide my obnoxious, pirate-hooker self long enough for someone to develop genuine interest in me? And why am I expected to be charming AF around the opposite sex when I can’t even converse with my barista without getting painfully awkward? Pour up. Drink.

Traffic: If you’re lucky enough to realize your own personal hell by commuting to work every day, you deserve your very own keg for breakfast. I only have a 10 minute drive to work, and every time I get there I’m shocked that I’m not given a mimosa and a happy ending as a thank-you for not murdering any dick bags on the road.

Texting: Fuck you, three little dots of anxiety.

Family: This one’s tricky – but in order to survive family gatherings, one simply MUST get sauced. What am I supposed to do? Stay sober while getting pummeled with questions about what’s wrong with me and why I can’t seem to find a man? Silently chug water as my mother cries and asks when I’m coming out of the closet? Nope.

Getting Ready: Decisions are hard. And so is grain alcohol.

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It’s Full-On Fall

28 Oct

The leaves have turned. Football is always on. A chill is in the air and there is pumpkin- and cinnamon-flavored EVERYTHING. That means it’s full-on fall.

Fall is a fucking awesome season for so many reasons: you can bust out your best coats, long sleeves and scarves, it’s FOOTBALL SEASON, everything smells better (including you) and you can walk to your car without sweating through your shirt. Because this season is so joyous, there are a lot of seasonal activities to partake in, which are obviously all made better with booze. Sweet, sweet booze.

To make your life a little easier, here’s a guide to fall activities and the best booze to accompany them:

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Dry Weddings: The Art of Flasking

25 Oct

Recently, I had the misfortune of attending every sane person’s worst nightmare: a dry wedding. I know what you’re thinking – WHY would you do that to yourself? What kind of monsters don’t have any booze at their wedding? How long has the unhappy couple hated fun?

Before you freak out, just know that I am a smart, resourceful woman who knows how to bring the party even in these darkest of circumstances. I brought the only thing that would make this sad, dreary, uncomfortable gathering bearable – that’s right, I brought a flask full of whiskey.

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The name of the flasking game is to remain inconspicuous while secretly raging amongst a sea of sober misery, and there are a few rules one must follow when secretly carrying jiggle juice to a dry wedding or any other fun-crushing event. Continue reading

Kelleigh Bannen’s Manhattan Recipe

24 Oct

I don’t know anything about country music after 2000. But apparently there’s someone named Kelleigh Bannen who people like and apparently she has a favorite Manhattan recipe.

Basically the only thing I want from that video is the ice cube tray. She may not know it, but those things are not only “hilarious.” They also keep your drink from getting too watered down while keeping it cold. Inventive, I know.

It’s like Network Television with Alcohol

1 Jun

For those of you interested in how to turn your alcohol bush into smooth, American, liquid alcohol, here are some fun videos from The Hooch Life that show parts of this great nation’s distilleries. It’s like watching a truTV show. Except the people aren’t as trashy.

God Bless the USA.

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Trailer Park Pimpin’ – Double Wide Dallas

24 Feb

So, by now you should know that not only am I a classy bitch, but I am also looking to RAGE. When looking for a place to get cray in Deep Ellum, Double Wide is always the go-to. Clearly you can tell by the name of this fine establishment that it is trailer park-themed – and FABULOUS.

Double Wide is known for drinks made of Yoo-Hoo, Boone’s Farm and Tang, so it’s pretty much the classiest place to drink in Dallas. If the high-class cocktails aren’t enough, Double Wide has live music and a weekly, Thursday-night karaoke-fest, making it the perfect dive joint to get crunk in. It’s also a decked out hipster haven complete with clashing curtains, mismatched granny furniture and toilet flower planters. Continue reading

I’m ‘Usually’ More Picky

3 Feb

A few weeks ago, I finally had the chance to stop by Fort Worth’s much-acclaimed The Usual. If you’ve never been, it’s located on the Magnolia Avenue strip and prides itself on its speakeasy-style cocktails and neighborhood friendliness.

Here’s the thing. Ever since this prohibition trend has swept its way across DFW, my whiskey style has gone from neat to shaken. That’s right, everyone. As of late, I prefer cocktails.

Now don’t you go spreading rumors about me. I’m not sitting around milking cosmos. In light of the ’20s making a comeback, I’ve become a total Whiskey Smash junkie. Continue reading