Tag Archives: liquor

The Five Stages of Single Awareness Day

14 Feb

As much as we try to deny that Valentine’s Day is even a real thing anymore, any single person will tell you that this most horrible of days is rough. No matter how hard you try to put on your good face and pretend like seeing all these happy bitches all around you isn’t seriously making you consider committing a felony, we know that on the inside you’re plotting their deaths and white-knuckling it until you can be home and pantsless, dominating a box of bargain chocolates.

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The stages of Single Awareness Day are fairly easy to spot within each of us, and with the right booze to pair with them, you’ll be able to make it right on through this unholy day with ease and a serious buzz. Continue reading

Single Dudes: Your Guide to Scoring on Valentine’s Day

10 Feb

Whether you like it or not, Valentine’s Day is coming up soon. I know that all of you super manly single dude-bros out there are dreading this day just as much as all of us single ladies, but let’s face it: you want to slice some brisket on this most horrible of days.

It’s time to break out the chocolate and condoms, because I am here to help prevent you horny bastards from getting blue balls. Just consider me your vagina Sherpa. I’m here to help you.

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You have three main options when it comes to getting laid on Valentine’s Day:

1.)  Hit up that booty call. Whether your go-to is your ex-girlfriend who’s still in love with you, or some random skank you met a while ago at a bar, you know that your main hookup is available tonight. Nobody likes to be alone on Valentine’s Day, so go ahead – hit her up*.

*Note that this option may lead to a very awkward morning, and will definitely leave you in an uncomfortable position over the next few weeks while she tries to make this “relationship” happen.

2.)  Get you some strange. Bitches are so fragile around this time of year that they will go for pretty much anything you say to them. Go up to any girl at the bar and pay her a compliment (literally any compliment will do) and tell her how you’re so surprised that a girl like her is flying solo. You may not win her heart, but with that combo and a shot of tequila, you’ll win her Pikachu.

3.)  Make a move on that girl you’re obsessing over. This one is risky, so only do it if you actually like her and are ready for the pressure that comes with this day from Satan himself. WARNING: Do NOT ask her out for your first actual date on Valentine’s. Dinner is an absolute no-go – with all the lovey-dovey bullshit floating around, you’re almost certain to let her down. Your move should be way more casual – If she’s doing some kind of girls night, suggest that your groups meet up at a bar later in the night. Keep it low key, super low pressure and ridiculously high blood alcohol level.

Don’t worry bros – this most horrible day is really just another excuse to get drunk, so do what you do best: get too drunk to remember what day it is.

I wish you the best of luck in your quest.

IMPORTANT: You Can Bring Booze On Your Flight

21 Nov

While planning for an upcoming trip, one of my absolutely genius friends informed me that you can now bring alcohol onto your flight with no security problems. While I have not personally confirmed this amazing revelation (yet), I read this post from I’m a Travel Ninja, and it seems super legit.

bottlesThere are simply no words to express how happy I am now that I know I can bring tiny bottles of pure joy onto an 11-hour flight at less than half the cost of those ass-raping airplane booze prices. And with the dreaded family-filled holiday season around the corner, this little nugget of information could not be more timely.

This is a gift from your booze gods. You’re welcome.

Vermont Ice Ice Baby

6 Nov

I was recently introduced to the nectar of the winter booze gods – and its name is Vermont Ice.

Boyden Valley Winery sounds like a place that would make a nice Pinot Noir or something else that would make you gag from pretention overload, but turn that frown upside down friends because this is the maker of a creamy, delicious spirit you’ll be chugging all winter long. Vermont Ice Maple Crème is a maple cream liqueur that’s 15% alcohol by volume and 100% tasty. This sweet sweet booze is made from Vermont maple syrup and apple brandy – and it tastes like Bailey’s on crack. You can definitely taste the maple flavor, so be prepared to feel like you’re cheating on your breakfast, but in the most perfect way.

Vermont Ice Maple Creme Cocktail

This maple cream is awesome for cold weather, and if I had more self-control, I would have tried it in coffee, on ice or in some sort of genius cocktail instead of just chugging the whole bottle immediately after opening it. I’m looking forward to buying another bottle and maybe sharing it with someone besides my dog this time – and I’m really stoked to get holiday drunk with this stuff in about a month.

Trust me, this stuff is on point. And you will want this deliciousness to keep you nice and drunk this holiday season with your terrible wonderful family.

It’s Full-On Fall

28 Oct

The leaves have turned. Football is always on. A chill is in the air and there is pumpkin- and cinnamon-flavored EVERYTHING. That means it’s full-on fall.

Fall is a fucking awesome season for so many reasons: you can bust out your best coats, long sleeves and scarves, it’s FOOTBALL SEASON, everything smells better (including you) and you can walk to your car without sweating through your shirt. Because this season is so joyous, there are a lot of seasonal activities to partake in, which are obviously all made better with booze. Sweet, sweet booze.

To make your life a little easier, here’s a guide to fall activities and the best booze to accompany them:

Continue reading

Apparently, I have the stomach of a little bitch

14 Jan

I have a friend who’s from Hungary. Well…I’m pretty sure he was born in New Jersey, but his family is Hungarian and he’s way into Hungarian stuff. For Christmas he gave me a bottle I couldn’t read, except that I knew it was alcohol because he told me.

I tried it and almost gagged.

unicum-zwack

Apparently, Unicum, made by the Zwack family in Hungary, is the national shot of Hungary and basically everyone there who has the Internet thinks Americans are pussies because they don’t like it. That’s because it tastes like whatever kind of oppression that nation has experienced. Continue reading

Strangeways Dallas – Your New Favorite Bar

6 Oct

In my constant search for the perfect dive bar, I (drunkenly) stumble into some pretty strange and maybe dangerous places. I recently ran across a little hole-in-the-wall place in East Dallas that is a dive bar lover’s dream. Strangeways looks like a dark, seedy cave where you may possibly get shanked – but it is completely worth the risk. With tons of rare craft brews on tap and bottled, along with a huge assortment of interesting liquors, Strangeways is an awesome place to kick back and try some great new beers.

The little bar on Fitzhugh is owned by two siblings, Eric and Erica Sanchez, and is pretty small and low-key with an awesomely casual atmosphere and laid-back vibe. This is the dive bar you’ve been searching for – where you can try all kinds of new beers and cocktails and chow down on some delicious food without a bunch of douche cakes spilling beer down your back and body slamming you into the bar. Go to Strangeways, sit on the patio and order a beer you’ve ever heard of – no Smirnoff Ice for you here. It will be interesting and tasty and you’ll be hooked.