Whether you like it or not, Valentine’s Day is coming up soon. I know that all of you super manly single dude-bros out there are dreading this day just as much as all of us single ladies, but let’s face it: you want to slice some brisket on this most horrible of days.
It’s time to break out the chocolate and condoms, because I am here to help prevent you horny bastards from getting blue balls. Just consider me your vagina Sherpa. I’m here to help you.
You have three main options when it comes to getting laid on Valentine’s Day:
1.) Hit up that booty call. Whether your go-to is your ex-girlfriend who’s still in love with you, or some random skank you met a while ago at a bar, you know that your main hookup is available tonight. Nobody likes to be alone on Valentine’s Day, so go ahead – hit her up*.
*Note that this option may lead to a very awkward morning, and will definitely leave you in an uncomfortable position over the next few weeks while she tries to make this “relationship” happen.
2.) Get you some strange. Bitches are so fragile around this time of year that they will go for pretty much anything you say to them. Go up to any girl at the bar and pay her a compliment (literally any compliment will do) and tell her how you’re so surprised that a girl like her is flying solo. You may not win her heart, but with that combo and a shot of tequila, you’ll win her Pikachu.
3.) Make a move on that girl you’re obsessing over. This one is risky, so only do it if you actually like her and are ready for the pressure that comes with this day from Satan himself. WARNING: Do NOT ask her out for your first actual date on Valentine’s. Dinner is an absolute no-go – with all the lovey-dovey bullshit floating around, you’re almost certain to let her down. Your move should be way more casual – If she’s doing some kind of girls night, suggest that your groups meet up at a bar later in the night. Keep it low key, super low pressure and ridiculously high blood alcohol level.
Don’t worry bros – this most horrible day is really just another excuse to get drunk, so do what you do best: get too drunk to remember what day it is.
I wish you the best of luck in your quest.