The Halloween Rage

29 Oct

Halloween is this week, which means that you better get your procrastinating ass in gear and plan your ridiculous costume already. On All Hallow’s Eve, there will be a buffet of hot man meat and willing whores pumped full of enough booze to drown a horse, all looking to get some strange while dressed like something absurd – so you better step your costume game up. Choosing the perfect costume is not always easy – especially if you’re planning on raging your balls off – so a little consideration and planning is essential.

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Halloween is French for “dressing up in slutty costumes and making bad decisions” so I know that your first costume ideas involve a lot of skin, very little material and really showcasing what your mama gave you. Before you squeeze into your toddler-sized tube top, booty shorts and stripper heels, think about how that “sexy heroin addict” getup will be holding up at the end of the night and what a hot mess express you’re willing to look like in tomorrow morning’s ongoing parade of Facebook pics.

By the end of the night (if not by noon), you’re going to be drunk. So drunk that your liver is going to try its damndest to emancipate itself from your sweaty, dehydrated body. And you’re probably going to get that way by ingesting an absurd amount of bloat-causing liquids such as beer, wine, sugary mixed shots and a few ounces of soda (to mix with the massive amounts of liquor, of course). As you continue down your path toward absolute obliteration, the last thing you want to think about is your gut popping out, bursting a button on your hot pants and shooting across the bar into someone’s cornea. Your belly-bearing costume (or worse, your Spanx) should not prevent you from getting blackout drunk, so choose something you can still destroy your body in – and breathing normal human breaths is always a plus, too. It’s called priorities, people.

Choose wisely and I wish you the best of luck in your quest for the greatest costumed blackout hookup story this world has ever known.

For words of costume wisdom, check this out.


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