Tag Archives: drinking holidays

The Five Stages of Single Awareness Day

14 Feb

As much as we try to deny that Valentine’s Day is even a real thing anymore, any single person will tell you that this most horrible of days is rough. No matter how hard you try to put on your good face and pretend like seeing all these happy bitches all around you isn’t seriously making you consider committing a felony, we know that on the inside you’re plotting their deaths and white-knuckling it until you can be home and pantsless, dominating a box of bargain chocolates.

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The stages of Single Awareness Day are fairly easy to spot within each of us, and with the right booze to pair with them, you’ll be able to make it right on through this unholy day with ease and a serious buzz. Continue reading

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Single Dudes: Your Guide to Scoring on Valentine’s Day

10 Feb

Whether you like it or not, Valentine’s Day is coming up soon. I know that all of you super manly single dude-bros out there are dreading this day just as much as all of us single ladies, but let’s face it: you want to slice some brisket on this most horrible of days.

It’s time to break out the chocolate and condoms, because I am here to help prevent you horny bastards from getting blue balls. Just consider me your vagina Sherpa. I’m here to help you.

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You have three main options when it comes to getting laid on Valentine’s Day:

1.)  Hit up that booty call. Whether your go-to is your ex-girlfriend who’s still in love with you, or some random skank you met a while ago at a bar, you know that your main hookup is available tonight. Nobody likes to be alone on Valentine’s Day, so go ahead – hit her up*.

*Note that this option may lead to a very awkward morning, and will definitely leave you in an uncomfortable position over the next few weeks while she tries to make this “relationship” happen.

2.)  Get you some strange. Bitches are so fragile around this time of year that they will go for pretty much anything you say to them. Go up to any girl at the bar and pay her a compliment (literally any compliment will do) and tell her how you’re so surprised that a girl like her is flying solo. You may not win her heart, but with that combo and a shot of tequila, you’ll win her Pikachu.

3.)  Make a move on that girl you’re obsessing over. This one is risky, so only do it if you actually like her and are ready for the pressure that comes with this day from Satan himself. WARNING: Do NOT ask her out for your first actual date on Valentine’s. Dinner is an absolute no-go – with all the lovey-dovey bullshit floating around, you’re almost certain to let her down. Your move should be way more casual – If she’s doing some kind of girls night, suggest that your groups meet up at a bar later in the night. Keep it low key, super low pressure and ridiculously high blood alcohol level.

Don’t worry bros – this most horrible day is really just another excuse to get drunk, so do what you do best: get too drunk to remember what day it is.

I wish you the best of luck in your quest.

IMPORTANT: You Can Bring Booze On Your Flight

21 Nov

While planning for an upcoming trip, one of my absolutely genius friends informed me that you can now bring alcohol onto your flight with no security problems. While I have not personally confirmed this amazing revelation (yet), I read this post from I’m a Travel Ninja, and it seems super legit.

bottlesThere are simply no words to express how happy I am now that I know I can bring tiny bottles of pure joy onto an 11-hour flight at less than half the cost of those ass-raping airplane booze prices. And with the dreaded family-filled holiday season around the corner, this little nugget of information could not be more timely.

This is a gift from your booze gods. You’re welcome.

Vermont Ice Ice Baby

6 Nov

I was recently introduced to the nectar of the winter booze gods – and its name is Vermont Ice.

Boyden Valley Winery sounds like a place that would make a nice Pinot Noir or something else that would make you gag from pretention overload, but turn that frown upside down friends because this is the maker of a creamy, delicious spirit you’ll be chugging all winter long. Vermont Ice Maple Crème is a maple cream liqueur that’s 15% alcohol by volume and 100% tasty. This sweet sweet booze is made from Vermont maple syrup and apple brandy – and it tastes like Bailey’s on crack. You can definitely taste the maple flavor, so be prepared to feel like you’re cheating on your breakfast, but in the most perfect way.

Vermont Ice Maple Creme Cocktail

This maple cream is awesome for cold weather, and if I had more self-control, I would have tried it in coffee, on ice or in some sort of genius cocktail instead of just chugging the whole bottle immediately after opening it. I’m looking forward to buying another bottle and maybe sharing it with someone besides my dog this time – and I’m really stoked to get holiday drunk with this stuff in about a month.

Trust me, this stuff is on point. And you will want this deliciousness to keep you nice and drunk this holiday season with your terrible wonderful family.

The Halloween Rage

29 Oct

Halloween is this week, which means that you better get your procrastinating ass in gear and plan your ridiculous costume already. On All Hallow’s Eve, there will be a buffet of hot man meat and willing whores pumped full of enough booze to drown a horse, all looking to get some strange while dressed like something absurd – so you better step your costume game up. Choosing the perfect costume is not always easy – especially if you’re planning on raging your balls off – so a little consideration and planning is essential.

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Halloween is French for “dressing up in slutty costumes and making bad decisions” so I know that your first costume ideas involve a lot of skin, very little material and really showcasing what your mama gave you. Before you squeeze into your toddler-sized tube top, booty shorts and stripper heels, think about how that “sexy heroin addict” getup will be holding up at the end of the night and what a hot mess express you’re willing to look like in tomorrow morning’s ongoing parade of Facebook pics.

By the end of the night (if not by noon), you’re going to be drunk. So drunk that your liver is going to try its damndest to emancipate itself from your sweaty, dehydrated body. And you’re probably going to get that way by ingesting an absurd amount of bloat-causing liquids such as beer, wine, sugary mixed shots and a few ounces of soda (to mix with the massive amounts of liquor, of course). As you continue down your path toward absolute obliteration, the last thing you want to think about is your gut popping out, bursting a button on your hot pants and shooting across the bar into someone’s cornea. Your belly-bearing costume (or worse, your Spanx) should not prevent you from getting blackout drunk, so choose something you can still destroy your body in – and breathing normal human breaths is always a plus, too. It’s called priorities, people.

Choose wisely and I wish you the best of luck in your quest for the greatest costumed blackout hookup story this world has ever known.

For words of costume wisdom, check this out.

It’s Full-On Fall

28 Oct

The leaves have turned. Football is always on. A chill is in the air and there is pumpkin- and cinnamon-flavored EVERYTHING. That means it’s full-on fall.

Fall is a fucking awesome season for so many reasons: you can bust out your best coats, long sleeves and scarves, it’s FOOTBALL SEASON, everything smells better (including you) and you can walk to your car without sweating through your shirt. Because this season is so joyous, there are a lot of seasonal activities to partake in, which are obviously all made better with booze. Sweet, sweet booze.

To make your life a little easier, here’s a guide to fall activities and the best booze to accompany them:

Continue reading

Dry Weddings: The Art of Flasking

25 Oct

Recently, I had the misfortune of attending every sane person’s worst nightmare: a dry wedding. I know what you’re thinking – WHY would you do that to yourself? What kind of monsters don’t have any booze at their wedding? How long has the unhappy couple hated fun?

Before you freak out, just know that I am a smart, resourceful woman who knows how to bring the party even in these darkest of circumstances. I brought the only thing that would make this sad, dreary, uncomfortable gathering bearable – that’s right, I brought a flask full of whiskey.

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The name of the flasking game is to remain inconspicuous while secretly raging amongst a sea of sober misery, and there are a few rules one must follow when secretly carrying jiggle juice to a dry wedding or any other fun-crushing event. Continue reading