Recently, I had the misfortune of attending every sane person’s worst nightmare: a dry wedding. I know what you’re thinking – WHY would you do that to yourself? What kind of monsters don’t have any booze at their wedding? How long has the unhappy couple hated fun?
Before you freak out, just know that I am a smart, resourceful woman who knows how to bring the party even in these darkest of circumstances. I brought the only thing that would make this sad, dreary, uncomfortable gathering bearable – that’s right, I brought a flask full of whiskey.
The name of the flasking game is to remain inconspicuous while secretly raging amongst a sea of sober misery, and there are a few rules one must follow when secretly carrying jiggle juice to a dry wedding or any other fun-crushing event.
Plan Ahead: When you know you’re entering a dull and sober setting and will need to pack some sweet, sweet heat, you need to plan everything accordingly to ensure you have a successful secret rage. Make sure your purse or jacket pocket doesn’t bulge and that you can’t hear the magic booze receptacle rattling around when you walk. Nobody wants to hear Mr. or Mrs. Bojangles trotting down the hall.
Location, Location, Location: As soon as possible, scout out your refilling locations – and make sure to give yourself some options. While the bathroom is a safe space to take a few shots and fill up your sad, non-alcoholic beverage with the nectar of the gods, you don’t want everyone to think you are taking lines during the bouquet toss or suffering from explosive diarrhea during the mother-son dance. Stairwells, coat closets and trips to the car to grab that super-important thing you totally left there will work just fine.
Choose Your Mixers: Be logical. You’re trying to fly drunkenly under the radar, so you should mix your secret cocktails wisely. If you brought whiskey along to the pathetic excuse for a party, mix with dark liquids like soda. If you brought vodka, you’re good to go with some water. Be smart and mix your specific flavor of Flaskin Robbins with the right shade of boring liquids provided by the ass-hat that decided to have an event without alcohol.
Don’t be a Dick: Keep a low profile while you’re packin’. You’ve been unfortunately invited to a soul-sucking “party” and thankfully you were smart enough to come prepared. Use this power sparingly and try not to get blackout before the appetizers are served. Pace yourself just a tiny bit and enjoy your drunken evening among the blank stares of the sad, miserable guests white-knuckling it until the cake is served.
Sharing is Caring: If you have a date to this event or have met someone hot enough to make out with, don’t be an asshole. Share with your partner in God-awful sober prison.
I hope this serves you well in your pursuit of the discreet rage, and remember that flasks are our friends. So find a flask you love, fill it with your favorite go go juice and go get pants-shitting drunk.