The leaves have turned. Football is always on. A chill is in the air and there is pumpkin- and cinnamon-flavored EVERYTHING. That means it’s full-on fall.
Fall is a fucking awesome season for so many reasons: you can bust out your best coats, long sleeves and scarves, it’s FOOTBALL SEASON, everything smells better (including you) and you can walk to your car without sweating through your shirt. Because this season is so joyous, there are a lot of seasonal activities to partake in, which are obviously all made better with booze. Sweet, sweet booze.
To make your life a little easier, here’s a guide to fall activities and the best booze to accompany them:
Football: Beer. Obviously. Football games are long – and tailgating/celebrating/pre-gaming/post-gaming/drowning your sorrows extends each game exponentially – so beer is the obvious choice for all-day boozing. If you need a little extra kick, bring a flask of whiskey.
Pumpkin Carving: Whiskey or Spiced Rum. Anything involving pumpkins is super festive, so stick with some really flavored and equally potent spirits to put you in the holiday mood. Try spiked apple cider – it’s a seasonal crowd-pleaser that will get you white girl wasted.
Trick Or Treating/Costumed Raging: Vodka. It’s light and you can drink a lot of it without your beer gut popping out. Perfect for your skin-tight costume. And your Spanx will thank you.
Haunted Houses: Any liquor. Drink whatever doesn’t make you puke and goes down easily on its own in a flask.
Carnivals/Festivals: Local seasonal beer or cider. You really can’t go wrong here with anything that has hints of pumpkin, cinnamon and orange. Just sit back and enjoy the best your town and this season have to offer – and get wasted in public. Just try to avoid any Tilt-a-Whirl situations.
Thanksgiving Meals: Wine. SO MUCH WINE. Preferably red because it gets the job done quicker, but just take what you can get. Drinking wine while being forced to break bread with your relatives will help you stay both drunk and classy throughout the forced, awkward conversations about why you’re still single. Thanks Mom, I’m fine.
Hayrides/Apple Picking: Kill yourself or whomever put you in that situation. If that isn’t an option, you should absolutely bring spiced rum or flavorful whiskey with you. Really just drink whatever makes you want to punch a baby a little less. Stay strong. If Britney Spears can get through 2007, you can white-knuckle it through this awful experience.