Beer + BBQ + Pool = Your Plans This Weekend.

First off, if you’re in the Dallas area and haven’t been to The Fraternal Order of Eagles 3108 (FOE for us common folk), you’re just doing life wrong. It’s the best pool in Dallas with the chillest atmosphere and the cheapest drinks. I know you’re in love already, but I’ll keep going…

This Saturday, FOE is hosting its 4th annual Barbecue Cookoff, where more than 15 amateur pit masters are just waiting to fill your belly with the best grub known to man, and Deep Ellum Brewing Co. will be featuring beer specials on tons of dank-ass beers. Admission is only $10, and there’s absolutely no reason why your body shouldn’t be there, drunk off craft beer and full of brisket.

So, run to East Dallas, stuff your face and dunk that bod in a cold pool. America.

Things That Make Me Drink

Sometimes (most times), we just need a drink, or twelve. I’ve noticed that these times of need have gotten more and more frequent as I grow older and my give-a-shit-ometer starts crapping out. Basically, I could always go for some jiggle juice. Here are just a few key moments in our lives that we need to drink about in depth.

Work: This one is a no-brainer. Everyone in your office is a lame douchecake and they all suck bags of dicks on the daily. Oh, you work in a client-facing role? Pour an extra one out for your former happiness and self-esteem.

Twerk: If you’re going to shake your shit, you also need to shake some booze down that throat.

Dating: Again, another obvious one. Dating is the absolute worst. How am I supposed to hide my obnoxious, pirate-hooker self long enough for someone to develop genuine interest in me? And why am I expected to be charming AF around the opposite sex when I can’t even converse with my barista without getting painfully awkward? Pour up. Drink.

Traffic: If you’re lucky enough to realize your own personal hell by commuting to work every day, you deserve your very own keg for breakfast. I only have a 10 minute drive to work, and every time I get there I’m shocked that I’m not given a mimosa and a happy ending as a thank-you for not murdering any dick bags on the road.

Texting: Fuck you, three little dots of anxiety.

Family: This one’s tricky – but in order to survive family gatherings, one simply MUST get sauced. What am I supposed to do? Stay sober while getting pummeled with questions about what’s wrong with me and why I can’t seem to find a man? Silently chug water as my mother cries and asks when I’m coming out of the closet? Nope.

Getting Ready: Decisions are hard. And so is grain alcohol.

Live music, beer and tubing this week at Panther Island Pavilion

If you like live music, beer, tubing, beer, social media or beer, then there’s nowhere on earth better to spend your Thursday evening than Panther Island Pavilion in Fort Worth for Rockin’ the River. This week, enjoy Sam Riggs followed by Aaron Einhouse with beverages and food for sale on site.

Why every gentleman should watch ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’

The luggage under my eyes is particularly heavy this Monday because I slept about 2.5 hours last night. I wasn’t partying; and I wasn’t doing anything the title of this article may call to mind. In fact, I was all alone in my bed, staring at the ceiling and trying my best to catalog the thoughts racing through my mind. You see, I’m a big movie fan. So much a fan that I can’t visit Target without making a stop at the DVD section. Still, it’s not very often that a movie makes me lie awake at night. This was, without a doubt, my worst recorded case of the Sunday Scaries; and alcohol was not even to blame.

The Five Stages of Single Awareness Day

As much as we try to deny that Valentine’s Day is even a real thing anymore, any single person will tell you that this most horrible of days is rough. No matter how hard you try to put on your good face and pretend like seeing all these happy bitches all around you isn’t seriously making you consider committing a felony, we know that on the inside you’re plotting their deaths and white-knuckling it until you can be home and pantsless, dominating a box of bargain chocolates.

The stages of Single Awareness Day are fairly easy to spot within each of us, and with the right booze to pair with them, you’ll be able to make it right on through this unholy day with ease and a serious buzz.

Thursdays.

You guys, I know it’s only Thursday – and you CANNOT FUCKING WAIT until this week is over, but trust me – you can do it. Friday is so close! And you have already kicked so much ass this week – what’s one more day of complete kick-assery? Right?

This guy thinks you can do it. And that you deserve a beer for your hard work. Also, a promotion.

Sam Adams Has A New IPA…And It’s Pretty Good.

While out at a bar recently, I came across a new beer I had never seen before: Rebel IPA. It looked interesting and I love IPAs, so I tried it out thinking that it was something new and local.

It was delicious – smooth, full of flavor and still not super filling – all the good characteristics of an IPA. I was stoked about it. So much so that I got a total beer boner for it and started to look it up on my Untappd app. (PS if you don’t have this app, you’re doing life – and beer drinking – very wrong.)

It turns out that this new IPA is actually made by Samuel Adams. I know – IPAs are supposed to be reserved for pretentious little hipster breweries, and made only by wafe-thin dudes with skinny jeans, long beards and tattoos. This Rebel IPA is not only made by a giant booze powerhouse, but it was fucking great and I’m really looking forward to having it again. Seriously, go try it – you will not be disappointed.

Long story short, nice job Sam Adams – you successfully gave this IPA-loving ginger a total beer boner (beerner?).

Single Dudes: Your Guide to Scoring on Valentine’s Day

Whether you like it or not, Valentine’s Day is coming up soon. I know that all of you super manly single dude-bros out there are dreading this day just as much as all of us single ladies, but let’s face it: you want to slice some brisket on this most horrible of days.

It’s time to break out the chocolate and condoms, because I am here to help prevent you horny bastards from getting blue balls. Just consider me your vagina Sherpa. I’m here to help you.

You have three main options when it comes to getting laid on Valentine’s Day:

1.)  Hit up that booty call. Whether your go-to is your ex-girlfriend who’s still in love with you, or some random skank you met a while ago at a bar, you know that your main hookup is available tonight. Nobody likes to be alone on Valentine’s Day, so go ahead – hit her up*.

*Note that this option may lead to a very awkward morning, and will definitely leave you in an uncomfortable position over the next few weeks while she tries to make this “relationship” happen.

2.)  Get you some strange. Bitches are so fragile around this time of year that they will go for pretty much anything you say to them. Go up to any girl at the bar and pay her a compliment (literally any compliment will do) and tell her how you’re so surprised that a girl like her is flying solo. You may not win her heart, but with that combo and a shot of tequila, you’ll win her Pikachu.

3.)  Make a move on that girl you’re obsessing over. This one is risky, so only do it if you actually like her and are ready for the pressure that comes with this day from Satan himself. WARNING: Do NOT ask her out for your first actual date on Valentine’s. Dinner is an absolute no-go – with all the lovey-dovey bullshit floating around, you’re almost certain to let her down. Your move should be way more casual – If she’s doing some kind of girls night, suggest that your groups meet up at a bar later in the night. Keep it low key, super low pressure and ridiculously high blood alcohol level.

Don’t worry bros – this most horrible day is really just another excuse to get drunk, so do what you do best: get too drunk to remember what day it is.

I wish you the best of luck in your quest.

2014 Olympics – The Drinking Game

It’s that time again – the Olympics are dominating everyone’s TVs for the next couple weeks. We know all of you are glued to your couches, rooting as hard as you possibly can for Team USA, but we’re going to need for you to really step up for your country and participate in the most patriotic of all American activities: drinking.

The Rules:

• Every time you see the Olympic rings, take a drink.
• Whenever an ice skater completely wipes out, take a shot.
• Each time you see an NBC commercial, chug a beer.
• When Russian politics are mentioned, take a shot (or three).
• Every time someone really eats it, take a drink.
• Every time a skier takes a ridiculous jump and you think they’re about to die, take a drink.
• When team USA gets a medal, chug a beer.
• Each time a figure skating announcer says “phenomenal”, take a shot.
• Whenever you wish they would just shut the hell up and show the damn competition, chug a beer.
• When a  Coca-Cola commercial comes on, take a shot.
• Every time you see someone cry, take a shot.
• When you see an ice skater takes the stage in a glittery outfit, take a drink.
• Each time a snowboarder says something super typical, take a drink.
• Every time team USA fucking NAILS IT, chug some champagne.

There, you should be nice and drunk now. Go ‘Merica – and go team booze!

IMPORTANT: You Can Bring Booze On Your Flight

While planning for an upcoming trip, one of my absolutely genius friends informed me that you can now bring alcohol onto your flight with no security problems. While I have not personally confirmed this amazing revelation (yet), I read this post from I’m a Travel Ninja, and it seems super legit.

There are simply no words to express how happy I am now that I know I can bring tiny bottles of pure joy onto an 11-hour flight at less than half the cost of those ass-raping airplane booze prices. And with the dreaded family-filled holiday season around the corner, this little nugget of information could not be more timely.

This is a gift from your booze gods. You’re welcome.