As much as we try to deny that Valentine’s Day is even a real thing anymore, any single person will tell you that this most horrible of days is rough. No matter how hard you try to put on your good face and pretend like seeing all these happy bitches all around you isn’t seriously making you consider committing a felony, we know that on the inside you’re plotting their deaths and white-knuckling it until you can be home and pantsless, dominating a box of bargain chocolates.
The stages of Single Awareness Day are fairly easy to spot within each of us, and with the right booze to pair with them, you’ll be able to make it right on through this unholy day with ease and a serious buzz. Continue reading
The leaves have turned. Football is always on. A chill is in the air and there is pumpkin- and cinnamon-flavored EVERYTHING. That means it’s full-on fall.
Fall is a fucking awesome season for so many reasons: you can bust out your best coats, long sleeves and scarves, it’s FOOTBALL SEASON, everything smells better (including you) and you can walk to your car without sweating through your shirt. Because this season is so joyous, there are a lot of seasonal activities to partake in, which are obviously all made better with booze. Sweet, sweet booze.
To make your life a little easier, here’s a guide to fall activities and the best booze to accompany them:
I’m not an avid wine drinker. I prefer beer or less-classy booze for my buzz. But even I have been stuck carving out a wine cork with a knife in lieu of a corkscrew.
This video from Bistro Bordeaux will teach you how to remove a wine cork using just your shoe and a hard surface. This is really amazing.
Last week, I won the opportunity to attend the Texas Sommelier Conference, so this past Sunday, I grabbed my blazer and my bow tie, and headed to the Four Seasons in Las Colinas to drink wine all day and learn about different types and regions. Unfortunately, I didn’t make it through the entire day. You see, Dictionary.com sort of failed me when it said that sommelier is a restaurant or bar’s designated wine person. Maybe I just glazed over definition number two, but it seems a sommelier is also defined as a douche who only acknowledges other sommeliers.
If you didn’t already know, I’m not a sommelier.
In fact, I’m not really into wine at all. Sure, I’ll drink it without grimacing, but I couldn’t tell you the difference between Franzia and Carlo Rossi. I would usually prefer beer or whiskey. Plus, a wine hangover is one bitch that nobody wants to wake up with. Still, I absolutely refuse to spit good alcohol in a bucket after analyzing the flavors–and that’s the kind of people I hung out with Sunday.
After arriving way too early (due to my chronic punctuality), I was met with a few competitors, all sporting sharp, solid black suits, and mean mugging my frayed blue jeans. Now, I’m still not sure what these people were competing for, but they all had bags and note cards like they were about to give presentations, and some older guy who obviously found himself amusing pointed me toward the bathroom in case I needed to throw up. Multiple times, one of them would come up to me, look me up and down, and ask if I was competing. I mostly told them no, but decided to say yes once. That guy just walked away, obviously confident in his impending win over me. What a dick. Lucky for me, I went to a private college and then moved to North Dallas, so I’m more than willing to reciprocate. Continue reading
This weekend, professional winos from across the country will be coming to the Four Seasons Resort and Club in Las Colinas to talk booze and learn about wine pairing and tasting at the Texas Sommelier (TEXSOM) Conference. I’ll spare you the full press release because it uses words like “preeminent” and the name “Geoff,” and I’ll just summarize the deets.
If you don’t know what a sommelier is, because you really don’t need to, it’s basically the person from a restaurant or bar who is in charge of wines (per, Dictionary.com). This conference will basically be an enormous tasting for them to try out wines and learn more about different regions and how to pair them with food and stuff. Despite an extremely limited number of spots, the folks at TEXSOM and The Wine and Food Foundation of Texas gladly let me in for Sunday. Continue reading