Tag Archives: drink your juice

Things That Make Me Drink

9 Sep

Sometimes (most times), we just need a drink, or twelve. I’ve noticed that these times of need have gotten more and more frequent as I grow older and my give-a-shit-ometer starts crapping out. Basically, I could always go for some jiggle juice. Here are just a few key moments in our lives that we need to drink about in depth.


Work: This one is a no-brainer. Everyone in your office is a lame douchecake and they all suck bags of dicks on the daily. Oh, you work in a client-facing role? Pour an extra one out for your former happiness and self-esteem.

Twerk: If you’re going to shake your shit, you also need to shake some booze down that throat.

Dating: Again, another obvious one. Dating is the absolute worst. How am I supposed to hide my obnoxious, pirate-hooker self long enough for someone to develop genuine interest in me? And why am I expected to be charming AF around the opposite sex when I can’t even converse with my barista without getting painfully awkward? Pour up. Drink.

Traffic: If you’re lucky enough to realize your own personal hell by commuting to work every day, you deserve your very own keg for breakfast. I only have a 10 minute drive to work, and every time I get there I’m shocked that I’m not given a mimosa and a happy ending as a thank-you for not murdering any dick bags on the road.

Texting: Fuck you, three little dots of anxiety.

Family: This one’s tricky – but in order to survive family gatherings, one simply MUST get sauced. What am I supposed to do? Stay sober while getting pummeled with questions about what’s wrong with me and why I can’t seem to find a man? Silently chug water as my mother cries and asks when I’m coming out of the closet? Nope.

Getting Ready: Decisions are hard. And so is grain alcohol.