Single Dudes: Your Guide to Scoring on Valentine’s Day

10 Feb

Whether you like it or not, Valentine’s Day is coming up soon. I know that all of you super manly single dude-bros out there are dreading this day just as much as all of us single ladies, but let’s face it: you want to slice some brisket on this most horrible of days.

It’s time to break out the chocolate and condoms, because I am here to help prevent you horny bastards from getting blue balls. Just consider me your vagina Sherpa. I’m here to help you.

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You have three main options when it comes to getting laid on Valentine’s Day:

1.)  Hit up that booty call. Whether your go-to is your ex-girlfriend who’s still in love with you, or some random skank you met a while ago at a bar, you know that your main hookup is available tonight. Nobody likes to be alone on Valentine’s Day, so go ahead – hit her up*.

*Note that this option may lead to a very awkward morning, and will definitely leave you in an uncomfortable position over the next few weeks while she tries to make this “relationship” happen.

2.)  Get you some strange. Bitches are so fragile around this time of year that they will go for pretty much anything you say to them. Go up to any girl at the bar and pay her a compliment (literally any compliment will do) and tell her how you’re so surprised that a girl like her is flying solo. You may not win her heart, but with that combo and a shot of tequila, you’ll win her Pikachu.

3.)  Make a move on that girl you’re obsessing over. This one is risky, so only do it if you actually like her and are ready for the pressure that comes with this day from Satan himself. WARNING: Do NOT ask her out for your first actual date on Valentine’s. Dinner is an absolute no-go – with all the lovey-dovey bullshit floating around, you’re almost certain to let her down. Your move should be way more casual – If she’s doing some kind of girls night, suggest that your groups meet up at a bar later in the night. Keep it low key, super low pressure and ridiculously high blood alcohol level.

Don’t worry bros – this most horrible day is really just another excuse to get drunk, so do what you do best: get too drunk to remember what day it is.

I wish you the best of luck in your quest.

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2014 Olympics – The Drinking Game

7 Feb

It’s that time again – the Olympics are dominating everyone’s TVs for the next couple weeks. We know all of you are glued to your couches, rooting as hard as you possibly can for Team USA, but we’re going to need for you to really step up for your country and participate in the most patriotic of all American activities: drinking.

The Rules:

  • Every time you see the Olympic rings, take a drink.
  • Whenever an ice skater completely wipes out, take a shot.
  • Each time you see an NBC commercial, chug a beer.
  • When Russian politics are mentioned, take a shot (or three).
  • Every time someone really eats it, take a drink.
  • Every time a skier takes a ridiculous jump and you think they’re about to die, take a drink.
  • When team USA gets a medal, chug a beer.
  • Each time a figure skating announcer says “phenomenal”, take a shot.
  • Whenever you wish they would just shut the hell up and show the damn competition, chug a beer.
  • When a  Coca-Cola commercial comes on, take a shot.
  • Every time you see someone cry, take a shot.
  • When you see an ice skater takes the stage in a glittery outfit, take a drink.
  • Each time a snowboarder says something super typical, take a drink.
  • Every time team USA fucking NAILS IT, chug some champagne.

There, you should be nice and drunk now. Go ‘Merica – and go team booze!

IMPORTANT: You Can Bring Booze On Your Flight

21 Nov

While planning for an upcoming trip, one of my absolutely genius friends informed me that you can now bring alcohol onto your flight with no security problems. While I have not personally confirmed this amazing revelation (yet), I read this post from I’m a Travel Ninja, and it seems super legit.

bottlesThere are simply no words to express how happy I am now that I know I can bring tiny bottles of pure joy onto an 11-hour flight at less than half the cost of those ass-raping airplane booze prices. And with the dreaded family-filled holiday season around the corner, this little nugget of information could not be more timely.

This is a gift from your booze gods. You’re welcome.

Silver Lightning Moonshine Won the Double Gold, Makes Me Double Thirsty

19 Nov

Haters like to put awards on blast. “Whateverthehell whiskey is so much better than that.” “It’s not even organic.” Shut the hell up. I want this whiskey in my mouth twice as bad now that it’s so decorated.

Press Release

Stephen Gertman, President & Master Distiller at Ascendant Spirits, Inc., announced his distillery won another major award this week.

“We’re delighted our Silver Lightning Moonshine has medaled at one of the most respected spirits competitions in the world – the 2013 New York International Spirits Competition (NYISC).”

Competing against whiskies from all over the world, Silver Lightning Moonshine was selected as one of only seven whiskies to be awarded the highest honor, a Double Gold Medal. Only two other American distilleries won similar awards, one for bourbon and another for a malt whiskey.

“It is a great honor to receive a double gold medal from the NYISC for our Silver Lightning Moonshine. To be the only white whiskey to receive such high marks makes me and my entire team extremely proud of what we have created. This whiskey is made by hand in very small batches with exacting attention to every detail.” Continue reading

Bar Guys I Hate: The Blind Bartender

18 Nov

Here’s the thing. I appreciate your work. You bust your ass taking caps off Ultras every minute or so. It’s truly God’s work you’re doing.

But let me make one thing clear. Those boobs your eyes are stuck to all night aren’t paying your bills. Continue reading

Bourbon liqueur is a thing now

15 Nov

I guess if you like bourbon, but don’t actually want to drink bourbon (?), you could do this instead.

Press Release

mysticDurham continues to grow as a major US food destination, so two entrepreneurs chose it to launch Mystic Bourbon Liqueur, a new specialty beverage company there.

Mystic began as a way for company founders Jonathan Blitz and Michael Sinclair to pursue their passion for fine spirits. “We both love bourbon,” said Blitz. Sinclair, a former professional brewer, had discovered a unique and easy-to-drink Scotch liqueur when he was tracing his family’s roots on the coast of Scotland. Continue reading

What if other brands I love made booze?

14 Nov

After reading about the release of Patagonia beer, which is really just everything I love in a can, I had to stop and wonder, “What if other brands I love made booze?”

Vineyard Vines
Wine, obviously. It tastes like Easter, but is perfectly suitable for drinking year-round. The label would presumably have a micro-pattern of grapes or wine glasses or some completely arbitrary object. But it would be adorable, and let’s face it, everyone buys new wine based on the label anyways.

The North Face
Vodka. Graphic, black and white label probably with a mountain or something on it. It’ll taste exactly like every other vodka you’ve ever had, but will cost more, and you’ll roll your eyes when someone calls you out for buying it. When you order this at a bar, the hipster next to you will almost always turn and ask, “Have you ever even been to Russia?” To which you will not reply because get out of here, hipster! Continue reading