What if other brands I love made booze?

14 Nov

After reading about the release of Patagonia beer, which is really just everything I love in a can, I had to stop and wonder, “What if other brands I love made booze?”

Vineyard Vines
Wine, obviously. It tastes like Easter, but is perfectly suitable for drinking year-round. The label would presumably have a micro-pattern of grapes or wine glasses or some completely arbitrary object. But it would be adorable, and let’s face it, everyone buys new wine based on the label anyways.

The North Face
Vodka. Graphic, black and white label probably with a mountain or something on it. It’ll taste exactly like every other vodka you’ve ever had, but will cost more, and you’ll roll your eyes when someone calls you out for buying it. When you order this at a bar, the hipster next to you will almost always turn and ask, “Have you ever even been to Russia?” To which you will not reply because get out of here, hipster!

Sperry Top-Sider
Bourbon. There’s nothing more comfortable, and it’s appropriate for every single occasion. Actually, you know what? Just take the label off a Maker’s Mark bottle and hang a leather Sperry tag on the neck, and this is a done deal.

Southern Tide
Rum. That’s why basically every rum brand is sea-branded. You drink it by the sea. Not that you really wear Southern Tide by the sea that much, but it does have a fish on it, and I’m sure they make swimwear. But for all intents and purposes, you also drink rum at tailgates.

Polo Ralph Lauren
Beer. I don’t really know what you drink while playing polo, but the whole flannel and horse situation just speaks lager to me. Lots of corduroy, too. If corduroy isn’t an ale, I don’t know what is.

Brooks Brothers
Gin. It just makes me feel like you spent too much on your drink, you know? Not that it wasn’t worth it. It looks great and was made well, but as soon as people are like, “What even is that logo?” you’re ready to stop talking to them. I’ll just order a Polo instead; it’s much easier.


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