Dear Carly Rae Jepsen…

28 Jun

Dear Carly Rae Jepsen,

I’m going to put aside the fact that Call Me Maybe has ruined countless male lives for a minute and give you a break. It’s clear you’ve been having a difficult time lately, what with sitting by the phone waiting for that rando from the bar and going crazy and all, so as a male who frequents bars and wants to see an end to your waiting, I offer you a more realistic story of what happened and why he maybe has not and will not call you.

I threw a wish in the well
Don’t ask me, I’ll never tell
I looked to you as it fell
And now you’re in my way

 That’s not a wishing well, honey, it’s a toilet. And you’re in the mens’ room. Get up off the floor, fish that quarter out of the toilet and find a pay phone to call yourself a cab. This is not a good look for you.

I trade my soul for a wish
Pennies and dimes for a kiss
I wasn’t looking for this
But now you’re in my way

Fine. You don’t want to reach in that disgusting toilet and get it yourself, but that guy who has so inconsiderately blocked you in to the stall sure as hell isn’t going to do it for you. All he’s got in the way of change is a couple of pennies and dimes. He was sober enough to know that a pay phone’s not going to accept pennies. He just gave you those so you would get out of the damn bathroom. You were holding up the line.

Your stare was holdin’
Ripped jeans, skin was showin’
Hot night, wind was blowin’
Where you think you’re goin’ baby?

Everyone was staring at you, which I’m sure was flattering at the time, but I promise you it was more disbelief than attraction. To your credit, there’s always at least one mid-40s, shameless dude following around the overly drunk girl, so you had a fighting chance at least. And isn’t it strange how hot men’s bathrooms always are? They’re like 30 degrees hotter than the rest of the bar from all the warm piss pooling in there.

Hey, I just met you
And this is crazy
But here’s my number
So call me, maybe

No thank you, ma’am.

It’s hard to look right
At you baby
But here’s my number
So call me, maybe

Maybe if you knew your limits, you would still be able to see straight.

Long story short, you were a complete dumpster fire that night, and unless he’s looking for an instant return on investment or possibly Hepatitis, I wouldn’t hold your breath anymore. I know it’s a hard pill to swallow, but your friends are probably concerned, and it’s not fair to you to keep waiting without knowing the truth.

The good news is that if the same dude sees you at the same bar and you’re able to stand up without assistance, he’ll probably come say hi and maybe actually call you (but don’t get your hopes up). Bars always give second chances.

So chin-up, Carly. There’s hope for you yet. Just pretty please stop singing about it.




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